Sometimes in order to really understand something, we need to hear real life events of how a particular lesson is learned; as such, today I’m writing to share my story concerning sex, drugs, and alcohol. Many people make the argument that they have to make mistakes in order to learn, but that is simply not true. Many before you have already made these mistakes and the wisdom they learned from it calls out to us all (Proverbs 8:1). My hope is that by sharing about how sex, drugs, and alcohol played a part in my life that many will hear wisdom crying out from my story. I know many reading this have yet to deal with these sorts of things and many have already been through similar events themselves, but I hope this story will be relatable to you all and hopefully we can all use wisdom from stories like this to change how our culture views these topics.
When I was twelve years old, I searched the internet to try to discover the differences between guys and girls. This is how I unknowingly began an addiction to pornography. The following year is when I gave my heart to God and found salvation in His grace and love. Later on that year that I was saved is when I first heard about what pornography really was and that it was a sin. I was extremely distraught, for I was sinning and did not even know it! So, I tried to stop watching and clicking on things but I kept doing the thing that I did not want to do (Romans 7:15). This struggle with the addiction would continue until right at the time I turned 22…. That’s ten years of struggling on and off with this thing that I did not intend to discover in the first place!
Also, before I was saved, when I was twelve, I met a girl my age who abused drugs from her mom’s medical cabinet to get a high or whatever. She tried to get me to join her (she was a year older than I). I, eventually, tried Adderall and found that while it made everyone else hyper and fun, it made me feel slow and cloudy. But, people treated me normal when I took it! I never experienced being slowed down enough to be “normal” before. I began to keep stealing this drug from the girl’s mom, and I abused it. I quickly decided (in the year) that I did not like being slowed down, even though I craved how people treated me when I was on the drug. I ultimately never tried any drugs again that effected my mind because I was scared of how they would make me feel. I did, however, lie about what drugs I took and such in order to have that girl keep liking me (I later kept this story of trying all of these drugs because I thought that I needed a cooler testimony story #ChristianProblems). We broke up after I got saved and that was the end of any drugs in my life.
When I was 16 years old, I met another girl (we shall call her “Girl 2”). Girl 2 was amazing – she was kind, loyal, loving and she really understood me in a way no one else seemed to before. She still is amazing by the way, we are no longer dating but I have much respect for her, as a person. While we were dating, however, I told her about my struggle with pornography and my bad habit made her jealous, though she did not tell me at first. Eventually her jealousy lead to a desire to be more for me and she initiated some physical activities that I do not wish to divulge. All I will say is that me and Girl 2 went further than Christians should. When I learned that the reason we messed up was in part because of my bad habit that I had yet to give up, I tried with everything I had to quit. The struggle against pornography was stronger than ever, and that’s when I read an article online that said that pornography addiction is worse than heroin addiction and this crushed all hope I had.
Then, me and Girl 2 broke up and I was devastated. It had been 8months and I still could barely talk to anyone about anything at all and I just was not myself at all. This is when I got the idea that the physical activities were to blame and, as such, I found another girl to try to replace Girl 2. I used this girl to try to “rewire” my mind so that this girl would be my addiction rather than Girl 2 or pornography. This did not work at all and eventually lead to me lashing out at this “girl 3”. We also broke up and in the following year my grandfather died, my great aunt and uncle passed away, a girl from a children’s church that I started was killed, I was no longer able to attend college, and I did not know where I was going to live (in this I collected much debt, as well).
Ultimately, I had to admit that I was angry with God because I stumbled onto pornography and became addicted, yet He dared judge me for that!? I was angry because He didn’t find anyone to replace Girl 2 for me! I was angry because He let so many people in my life die at the same time! I was angry because He granted me great intelligence but did not allow me the focus needed to get through school! I was so angry at God that I missed it! I missed that He died for me…. He died for me. I didn’t see that He was the way out because I was too angry to own my mistakes. I may not have known that watching pornography was a sin at first, but I did learn that it was and I gave myself excuses instead of letting God deal with the problem. I was too angry to see that it was my problems that hurt my relationship with Girl 2. I did not care that those that I thought I had lost really just found eternal life. I did not see the hope or the love or the cross of Christ because I was trapped by myself. But I let go and I saw Christ in everything that was happening and I rediscovered my joy!
This was just one year ago. I dealt with my struggles and addictions whilst still being a Christian. Christians sin too, but we must grow and continue to be made new, daily! We have to own our mistakes in order to grow; we cannot blame God or anyone else. When we own our mistakes and our situations, then we can see God; we only make it out by going through it and sex, drugs, and alcohol often will prohibit us from dealing with our true problems. And ultimately, we are all slaves – either to sin or unto righteousness for the purpose of freedom (Romans 6:15-23). For this purpose, Christ calls us all to watch and pray (Matthew 26:41). We watch to see what may be tempting to us; I’m weak to intimacy, because it’s usually harder for me to connect with others; so, when I find someone that I can connect with, I tend to cling to them instead of God. And we must watch to see others mistakes and learn from them – I pray anyone reading this learns from my past. Wisdom cries out!!!!
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